


I was hiding in Havanna

by columbine_and_asphodel (onlycrooks)



Series: The Innocent Bystander [9]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: M/M, Prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-01
Updated: 2012-05-01
Packaged: 2017-11-05 13:50:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/407156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlycrooks/pseuds/columbine_and_asphodel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some days are easier; some are harder. There are times he just wants to throw everything to wind and run until his legs are jelly. He can't do that, though, and he never will.</p><p>Or: Danny is tired.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I was hiding in Havanna

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for taking forever to update. Seriously, these things appear in my head, but when I g to type them up, my fingers just go, "No, no typing," and brain says, "Woman, go back to sleep. You need a nap," and suddenly I find myself incapacitated by my own body.
> 
> More importantly, I want to thank you all. I know that I say this a lot, but I really do mean it, and I really do appreciate all of your support and kindness. Even though I've been a jerk and not responded to you individually, I do read (and re-read and re-re-read and so on) them all. You guys have kept me from getting lost in my depression, so thank you. You mean the world to me.
> 
> Actually, I have to apologize. Remember that time I hilariously said that I was done whumping Danny's poor body? Yeah, I lied. More physical Danny!whump contained here. Seriously, lots of abuse. The warnings aren't kidding. I hate myself sometimes for writing this all.

Danny doesn't stop selling himself after the run in with Steve; after all, he hadn't left when he spotted Chin and Kono surreptitiously watching him, so he wouldn't leave for Steve. The idea that he's somehow failed his former partner is difficult to shake, though, and Danny often finds himself remembering the multitude of looks that had played across Steve's face: hurt, confusion, anger- no, fury- sadness, worry...

He ignores the guilt he feels at first, putting it aside with the rest of his feelings for the former SEAL, but, like the feelings he tries so hard to keep shut tight, the guilt refuses to be forgotten. It starts popping up at inconvenient times- when Danny's in the shower, talking to Anja, driving Grace to school, telling Rachel that he's a good parent, letting Stan drive him home because Danny's gotten himself too drunk to function...

The worst, though, is when he's with clients. He'll be on his back- or however they want him- looking into the john's face, and suddenly remember Steve. The first time it happened, instead of the soft brown eyes, long blonde hair and fine, almost feminine features Reg- a first time john, for Danny and in general- Danny saw Steve's weary hazel irises, close-cropped dark hair and masculine, rough features and felt tears prick the corners of his eyes. He was lucky that he and Reg were far enough along that he didn't have to wait long for Reg to get him off and could let the tears flow and pretend that they were tears of relief. Reg was a good guy- didn't want to inflict any pain or use toys to help him pretend Danny was a woman, so Danny was glad that he hadn't noticed that Danny's mind had slipped up; he was just too shy for his own good, had had too many bad relationships and needed a bit of a confidence boost. Danny had found that Reg was one of his favorite johns, that the man had a sweet streak and would often pay for extra time just to be able to talk to him, which was why Danny was always sure to assign Reg a time that was soon after Kevin.

Danny may be a whore, but that doesn't mean that his body is happy to be used.

It doesn't stop with Reg, though, and soon, Danny can't escape Steve's haunted face. He sees it everywhere, in everything, not saying anything, just quietly watching him with wide, glassy eyes. Steve's face grows more gaunt as time passes, his cheekbones growing more prominent and the little bit of flesh that once padded and shaped his face slowly disappears. Danny recognizes the look for what it is; it's the hollow look of someone who's suddenly woken up and realized that he's lost something.

Danny sees the same expression on his own face almost every night.

The only thing keeping him from becoming like his imaginary Steve-face is Grace- Grace with her soft hair and quiet laugh, her music that's always playing softly in the background, Grace who loves him even when his knee stops him from going hiking and swimming with her. He loves his little girl (She'll always be his little girl, even if she grows to be seven feet tall) and tries to keep her happy, but he knows that he's been struggling to do that lately. The day Steve broke Danny's door down was one of the worse days, the ones when Grace cries and and shakes and begs him not to leave her.

He didn't leave her; of course he didn't (What father could? His baby girl is crying. Nothing could have dragged him from her side). He stayed by her side almost the entire day, from four something when she first came into his room, until after they paid their respects to Carl. Seeing Steve behind them, though... Despite whatever feelings Danny might have struggled to contain, Grace had begun to glow with joy, and he hadn't had it in him to tell her that she couldn't go see Uncle Steve.

She talked about Steve the entire way home, saying how strong her was and that he'd spun her around. The happiness in her voice was more than enough to squash any objections Danny's irrational brain might have conjured. He'd known that Steve would keep her safe, so he'd told Grace that he was happy she was eating with Uncle Steve.

As he lies on the couch, now, however, listening to one of the sounds of Grace doing her homework and the music she'd turned on earlier, Danny wonders. He wonders what she and Steve said to each other, if they talked about him, if Steve had even wanted to know...

The voice of one of the female singers Grace likes filters through the ceiling and into his ears, and for a moment, Danny thinks that maybe Grace sees more of him that he wants.

 

  
_Here's your chance  
I give you what you what  
I'm a giver_

  
_Here's your chance  
To tell me what you want  
I'm a forgiver_

  
_When nobody's around  
I try not to care  
I must deliver_

  
_When nobody's around  
I will not get the door  
I'm a pretender_

* * *

Danny wakes up an hour later on the floor, sleepily looking about and wondering where he was and what he was doing there. It takes him a few minutes to regain his bearings, then another to remember that he'd been listening to Grace's music and that it had lulled him to sleep, which in turn reminds him of the nightmare he'd had earlier.

He can't recall much about it, only that it had involved Steve, Gracie and an ocean of blood.

Not wanting to ponder the cruelties of his subconscious anymore, Danny gets up and wanders into the bathroom, rubbing at his face as he goes. The scratch of his beard against his hand is unpleasant, more because of the reason he's growing the facial hair than any aversion to it. Being told that he has to change his appearance to suit a man he'll be pleasuring for one night isn't something that sits well with him, especially one whose plans for him don't contain much mutual pleasure.

Tonight is a special night, after all; there will be two johns requiring his _"services"_ at once, both known for having sexual appetites that can't be sated without inflicting pain, one of whom is a regular and one who's a visitor. The visitor is the one who has Danny concerned; Kevin and the pain of getting raped, he can put from his mind. The first time was the worst, but now that he's recovered from that, he just needs a few hours afterwards to let his body rest and figure out how to hold itself after the other man's rough intrusion.

If he's been told correctly about Kevin's companion, however, things are going to get far more painful tonight, and Danny only has... an hour and a half to prepare himself. He doesn't know if it's enough, seriously doubts that it's enough, but he knows that in the end, it will have to be enough.

* * *

Nearly three hours later, Danny is lying with his stomach pressed to the floor, body shaking, hands clawing at the rough carpet in an effort to pull himself away from the man forcing his way inside and gleefully pulling whimpers and shouts of pain from Danny's already raw throat. Kevin is pushing him even more roughly than usual, obviously energized by the presence of the second man- who's currently sitting on the bed, his pants unzipped, one hand stroking himself and one hand cutting through the air with an old X-acto knife.

Suddenly, Kevin's sweaty knees cause him to slip, and he accidentally grazes Danny's prostate, and Danny can't help but whisper in desperation at the sudden shock of sexual desire. It's there and gone in a moment, but both john hear it and laugh- Kevin soft and dark, the other man higher and genuinely happy.

Without warning, Steve's face appears before Danny, his haggard features filled with sadness. Unlike the other times he's seen Steve while working, Danny reaches out a hand to touch the pale skin, wanting to know if it's as cold as it appears.

Danny tries to focus on the familiar angles of Steve's face, hoping to distract himself from the relentless pounding and tearing behind him.

When Kevin's fingers claw at Danny's back, he thinks of Steve's nose, how straight it is and how hooked it is. His knee protests a position that puts all of his weight on it, so he tries to recall Steve's eye color. Is it green? It's too light for brown, but sometimes it seems that way; it's definitely not grey or blue, though. If he still worked at Five-0, he could just check Steve's folder, but-

Without warning, he's flipped onto his front, something smaller, more mobile sliping into him, pulling at him, stretching him farther and farther, demanding he whimper and shiver and try to escape, savagely tearing at him because he doesn't scream. Tears roll down his face and neck, falling to the carpet that has left countless burns on Danny's sensitive skin, but it isn't until he starts to sob, gasping between heaving breaths that only serve to make the intruder shake with laughter that the finger leaves him.

He remembers Steve and his monstrous hands, how they would nearly engulf the knives the man would constantly have hidden about himself. Going through metal detectors on official business for Governor Denning had often become a case of small weapons hide-and-seek, which almost never really ended because the security guards would just get freaked out- or bored out of their minds, since it would take so long- and let them go through- which usually meant waiting for Steve to re-hide everything.

Out of the blue, Kevin rams into him with a particularly rough thrust that knocks him forward and sends Danny's hand through Steve's face, waking Danny from his pain-induced hallucination. He finds himself suddenly fighting off waves of pain in his backside, ones that are worse than even the first time he put himself at Kevin's mercy. He feels the sharp prickle of tears in his eyes but doesn't have the strength to hold them back. With a strained keen, he throws himself forward one last time, but is restrained by a single hand shoving him back to the ground.

The last thing he hears before everything goes black is more of the high-pitched laughter.

* * *

Danny comes back around after a few minutes; he's been blindfolded, though, and is lying on his back, so he can only slowly squeeze individual muscles to try to gauge the amount of damage that's been done to him. Unfortunately, he's also able to tell that Kevin hadn't finished with the condom on; a tacky, not-quite-dry trail leads from his backside, down his leg and finally stops just above the inside of his knee.

 _Christ,_ he thinks, _did he_ _try to paint me with it, or something?_

His curse on the man is cut short, however, by a sudden flare of pain on his collarbone. It makes him cry out and try to wriggle away from it, only to find out that his ankles and wrists have been bound, leaving his body in a slightly concave line.

A happy giggle follows Danny's struggling, and it takes his mind a moment to catch up.

The second john- Miles, he wanted to be called- must have stayed behind, wanting to get his money's worth; somewhere, hiding in the hateful recesses of his mind, a part of Danny can see the logic to that. He hates that part of his brain, the same part of him that can empathize with thieves and people who kill from passion or to stop people from making their lives hell.

Unbidden, another image of Steve springs up. This time, however, he looks healthy; he's even got the wide, cat-like grin he gets when he's just done something that to make Danny uncomfortable. It hits Danny hard when he realizes that he's missed that stupid face; he's been missing all of Steve's faces- hell, all of _Steve_ \- without even realizing it. He's been openly missing Chin and Kono, been yearning for Chin's help with his phone and wishing Kono would drop by and get drunk with him, but he hadn't wanted to put them in an unpleasant position, so he's settled for throwing his phone at the floor and getting drunk with Stan- or alone, not that he'll admit to it.

The world is somehow less bright without Steve smiling and driving Danny's car and teasing him about his diet. It's too quiet, too dull- when he isn't working, anyway. He wonders, distractedly, if Steve misses him, too. The look on his face after he'd kicked the door down and seen Danny with Kevin and again right before Danny had "shut" the door in front of him screams at Danny that Steve really does cares about him.

The third time Miles opens him up, it's after a shorter pause than earlier, which startles him, but it's shallow, just a red line running from just below Danny's neck through his navel. The blood quickly begins to flow down his upper body and collect in the small, dark pocket in his gut, and when that begins to overflow, the blood hurries down his sides like a hundred tiny creeks.

Danny tries losing himself in the blood's barely-there presence, but the cuts all sting, ordering him to pay attention to them. He wants to press his hands to the wounds, to obey the ancient instinct to push at the wounds until all he can feel is the pain he's made on his own. His hands twitch, wishing they were able to reach down and hold him; combined with the pitiful grunts he makes, he can see himself as the picture of weakness.

The futility of the situation reminds him that he has no authority here, that he is an item to be used and tossed aside. No one is coming to save him. He asked to do this, and he will be the one to see it to the end, whatever it may be.

By the seventh cut, sweetly accompanied by a series of crazed, indecipherable mumbles from the john, however, he can fully recall the dread that had filled him during his academy days whenever the subject had been exsanguination.

* * *

Some time later, the black whirl of pain that has become Danny's world is interrupted. There's a bang of the door hitting the wall (something he can identify because it's something Steve did more times than actually opening doors) and the sound of heavy footsteps.

A man shouts, "Put the weapon down! Hands up! Get down on your knees!" and other commands, all of which Danny tries to obey- no more pain, just no more, no more, _please_ \- but is stopped by a warm hand on his chest. Danny's chest has become a map of bloody cuts (not that he knows this yet), though, and the pressure of the hand, combined with the salt in the sweat that covers it, tears an agonizing shriek from him, despite his former belief that he'd already screamed himself hoarse.

Once more, everything whirls around him, the darkness only adding to the feeling of being pitched from side to side, until it all comes to a stop and Danny doesn't have to think anymore.

* * *

He wakes up once, jostled into awareness by some unknown force, and is sent into a panic, convulsing and grasping blindly in a weak attempt at finding a way to escape the arms that are restraining him- albeit carefully- but he finds that he can't get out, his body too weak to fight the mysterious person with the gentle arms.

Something hard and smooth presses against his forehead, and a soft voice rumbles rumbles by his hear. Though Danny can't understand the words, he finds them comforting, even thinks he knows what the voice is trying to tell him. It's soft and gentle, almost cooing to him, sounding nearly identical to the way Danny sounds on the home videos of him rocking a baby Grace in his arms and trying to sooth her into falling back asleep.

It's familiar, too, the way the person holding him is speaking, so he lets himself to ease into the almost-hug, his mind dimly recognizing that he's being being cradled bride style and that he's farther from the ground than he usually is, which makes him frown.

Some minutes pass that way, the person carrying him murmuring quiet things to him and Danny slowly coming to cling to his invisible (He doesn't have the strength to open his eyes) bearer, and when he eventually manages to slip into an easy doze, he feels something soft and warm touch the end of his nose.

**Author's Note:**

> The song Grace plays for Danny (because that _is_ what she's doing, playing songs for him) is [Pretender](http://www.lyricsmania.com/pretender_lyrics_sarah_jaffe.html) by [Sarah Jaffe](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-kpWjf6I0g).


End file.
